Category » mom related

June21

looking forward, looking back

The other day, I came across the website of Cassie Boorn. She has a collection of letters people have written to themselves at different ages – most of them written to their 20 year old selves. [I wrote a similar post a while back - here.]

The letter that really got me was written by Laurie over at Your Ill-fitting Overcoat (which has to be one of the best names for a blog in the history of blogs). She’s 28 and writing to her 40 year old self. Here’s a taste:

“I worry you’ll be disappointed in me, Forty-Something Self: for not writing enough, not saving enough, for eating too many cupcakes. And I worry I’ll be disappointed in you: for settling, for giving up, for resigning yourself to eggshell walls.

But I’m learning to trust that the woman who’s taken me this far will take me the rest of the way, and that my form can only improve from here.”

God, that got me. Did it get you?

Even at 34, would the 20 something me be disappointed?

Yes and No. I would be thrilled to know that I finally found someone fun to marry – someone who loves me for who I am, even in my most ridiculous moments. Thrilled that I had a little girl baby – the cutest, funniest little girl baby of all time. But not so thrilled that I haven’t been to Europe in 6 years. Not so thrilled that my writing is just snippets here and there on several relatively-ignored blogs with no real commitments or achievements. Not so thrilled that I STILL eat too many cookies and often act as if every meal is the last meal I’ll eat before a giant famine.

I got to thinking about this so much that I decided my best option to be who I really want to be at 40 is to narrow down what I really want most out of life. What am I doing when I feel most myself? Most excited?

I came up with 1.) travel and 2.) writing. I’m actually not sure the writing part is quite there – but I want it to be.

I suppose the next step is to figure out how I can do these things and still be a participating member of my family and contribute financially. It would a lot easier if my two big things weren’t expensive and hard-to-make-money doing. But, all the best things in life are tricky.

I am considering doing the possibly mind-numbing but perk-laden job of medical transcription to provide me the funds to travel more and take some pressure off of Travis. If I travel more, I’ll have more to write about. I hope.

Right now I could really use a letter from the 40 year old me letting me know if I’m on the right track.

Do you feel like you’re on the right track? Would your 20-something self be pleased?

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June16

secondary infertility

This month marks one year of trying to have another baby.

Last June I started peeing on ovulation predictor sticks and timing sex (making my husband crazy). Many negative pregnancy tests and two miscarriages later, I don’t have a second child and I’m not pregnant. Son of a bitch!

I’ve read a few things here and there about secondary infertility. It’s pretty self-explanatory, but secondary infertility is when a woman has one or more children and then either can’t get pregnant again or can’t carry another pregnancy to term.

I can’t help but think about whether or not this is me. Is this me? I think everything is me, so of course, I think this is me.

My pregnancy with Zoe was incredibly smooth, no complications whatsoever. Her delivery was fast and as far as childbirth goes, pretty easy. People told me, “you’re just made to have babies.” Ahem.

A lot of what I’ve read from other mamas about this particular issue addresses the guilt they feel for wanting more than they already have. Some people can’t even have one – why can’t I just be happy I have one? I don’t feel that way at ALL. I want my child to have a sibling that doesn’t leave half the time. A sibling that has the same mother and father. I don’t feel guilty for wanting that for her.

In an attempt to kind of get in tune with what the universe has in store for me and let go of some of my control issues surrounding this topic, I went in for an astrological/tarot reading. I’ve never believed in astrology. I’ve never even paid a second’s attention to tarot. Not my bag. But the last year has thrown things at me that I so heartily didn’t expect, that I decided I needed to take myself down a notch. Who knows what’s really going on. I guess anything IS possible.

My astrological chart and tarot reading don’t seem to indicate that I have secondary infertility. I guess the universe thinks Zoe will make an incredible big sister. Just not yet. She wants a little more time to herself.

Also – this next baby doesn’t want to be a project. He/she wants to come from a place of just plain love. So I need to pay some good attention to my marriage. Get things with Travis back to where they were when we first got together.

So, I’ll try. Wish me luck, I’m an unrelenting control freak so this will be a challenge.

photo by flickr user pasukaru76.

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April12

I hate this (a rambling, disjointed post)

You’ll never believe it – the things that have happened since that before-and-after picture of my kitchen. Oh, to go back in time and post about my kitchen….

Remember my post about the madness of trying to conceive? And how I might go insane? Well, I didn’t have to worry about that because not terribly long after I published that post I found I out I was pregnant. Pregnant! My due date was just 2 days off from Zoe’s. They’d be exactly 3 years apart.

But, no.

They won’t be exactly 3 years apart. I lost the pregnancy. Another one.

Really?! ANOTHER one? Is that what you’re thinking? Because that is what I’m thinking.

This time, I started to worry because right at 6 weeks I didn’t have any symptoms. I wasn’t nauseated. I hadn’t made a single trip to McDonald’s for some bizarre menu item I’d never had before but was convinced I needed. The mind-blowing exhaustion that I’d had the week before had slowly let up.

A few days later – Cramping. Spotting. Bleeding. The End.

I was 6 weeks 2 days. I’d known I was pregnant for 16 days. That is not a lot of days. But it is enough to get excited, enough to get used to not drinking coffee and alcohol and enough to start imagining how different your life will be in a year.

I was telling a friend the other day that this kind of thing is like getting kicked in three different places at once. One: You don’t get a baby. Two: You have to go through the ordeal of losing a pregnancy – the physical aspect is not pleasant. Three: You get to worry and wonder what the hell is wrong with you.

I’m sad. I hate to be sad. Sad doesn’t jive with my personality. I don’t know what to do with sad. I don’t know what to do with being 2 beats from crying at any moment.

But I’m not sad all the time. I’m doing ok, really. I’m sad, but ok. My parents are wonderful, my husband is amazing and my child is the absolute light of my life.

I have much to be grateful for.

p.s.
Please don’t say these things to someone who has had a miscarriage: “Well, it’s common, right?” or “It IS 1 in 4 pregnancies.” IT DOESN’T MATTER. IT HURTS. FUCK OFF.

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March26

balance

Ah, life gets fucking crazy, doesn’t it? And by crazy I don’t mean dinner parties and rock shows, I mean family trips and kitchen remodels. Watch out, world! It’s crazzyyy up in here.
We decided, very last minute, to have our kitchen cabinets refaced and painted while we were out of town for spring break. So last minute, in fact, I was taking things out of my cupboards the night before we left. When I returned, I had the usual boatload of laundry and unpacking to do, plus the colossal job of putting my entire kitchen back together. If it weren’t for my bed’s magnetic pull, I don’t think I would have come home at all. Who wants to come home to all that work?

Every day that I’ve been home I’ve been feeling guilty that everything’s not done, or even half way done. When I go to bed yet again with stuff still all over my living room floor, I feel like I blew it. But you know what? Fuck it. Life doesn’t stop because I have a bunch of work to do. I still need to take my kid to the park and get enough sleep and celebrate my friend’s birthday. Life is a balancing act.

It WILL get done.

Maybe if I draw it out long enough, the robot maid I’ve been longing for will be produced and affordable.

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March19

teux deux

I have been using Teux Deux as my online to-do list. Isn’t it slick?

When I started this get rid of half project, I realized I was going to have to go as paperless as possible. Paper all over the place BLOWS, as I’m sure you know. Thing is – I am a list maker. I had millions of lists around on post-its.

There are some amazing options out there like The Hit List, Things and Omnifocus but they cost money and are a little too sophisticated for what I needed. I THOUGHT I needed all kinds of shit, but then I realized I am an idiot. This is about simplifying. If I have so many effing things to do that I can’t fit them on a simple to-do list then I’m doing it wrong.

The problem was with my life, not with the task manager. I needed to simplify the things that go ON the list. If I did that, any simple to-do list would do the job.

And of course, since I’m a snob, I had to have something nice to look at.

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