July21
lists
You know I have a thing for lists. So, when my friend Kelly Sue asked for lists for her birthday I was happy to oblige. She turned 40 and was requesting lists of 40 things. Guess what?
40 things is a lot of fucking things.
I decided I could easily come up with 40 things that annoy me. I could also come up with 40 small pleasures, but who’d want to read that? It’d be way too Sound of Music.
Here’s my list:
40 things that are becoming less and less tolerable the closer I get to 40
1.) sing-songy voices (“Nice to meeeet yooooouuuuuuuu!”)
2.) platform flip-flops
3.) people who support the ban of gay marriage yet watch The Bachelor
4.) Jimmy Buffet
5.) people who say sweaters and furniture are “fun”
6.) baby talk
7.) holiday ties
8.) the word “slacks”
9.) mimes
10.) dogs that sniff my crotch
11.) people at the checkout counter that ask for my phone number
12.) mispronunciations on audio books e.g. “He grabbed a grand latte from Starbucks”
13.) temperatures over 85 degrees
14.) pans that are not non-stick
15.) baseball caps
16.) this bumper sticker: “3 nails + 1 cross = 4given”
17.) “supposably”
18.) Hummels
19.) poop in a swim diaper
20.) sweaty fat people in airports
21.) the Grateful Dead
22.) not allowing children to play tag at recess because it’s too dangerous
23.) the never-ending Manhattan v. Brooklyn debate
24.) restaurants that claim to take online reservations but then make you call to confirm that you made an online reservation
25.) people who are not my children calling me Mom
26.) Facebook status updates like “TGIF” or “wish I wasn’t at work!”
27.) Bunco clubs
28.) the “words” lactivist and intactivist
29.) childless urbanites that scoff at my love for the starbucks drive-thru
30.) alternate spellings of ordinary names e.g. Lindzee.
31.) foursquare updates on twitter. I don’t care that you’re at the gym. or airport. or hip new restaurant. at all.
32.) smokers
33.) obsessive lawn maintenance
34.) my mom using outdated euphemisms for sex e.g. bump uglies
35.) smug parents who claim they started reading chapter books to their child when he was 3, etc.
36.) harem pants
37.) the overuse of exclamation points e.g. I can’t wait to see you!!!!!!!!!!
38.) people who write “per say”
39.) getting caught in the rain when wearing flip-flops
40.) festivals of any kind
Awesome list. Except for loving rain and flip-flops (I’m from the West Coast, flip-flops are like summer rain boots) I’m totally with you. I’ve never seen the “3 nails + 1 cross = 4given” bumper sticker but I have a guy at my gym I refer to as “Real Men Love Jesus” for his choice of autodecal self-expression. However, my personal current favourite car sticker is a ribbon that says “I heart golf”. The whole ribbons = meaningful symbol has officially been killed.
Flip flops are NOT like summer rain boots! For shame! The rain makes them all slippery and you slide around on them. It’s gross. GROSS I say.
The golf ribbon reminds me that I LOATHE the way people put those ribbon magnets on sideways so you read the words. But then they don’t look like a ribbon. They look ridiculous. Do people in Canada do that turning sideways thing? Probably not – I think you’re all a bit smarter up there.
Alas we will just have to agree to disagree on one of life’s great simple pleasures: the rain flip-flops. Canadians are definitely not smarter, just more self-conscious about openly expressing ignorance and stupidity. I’ve definitely seen the sideways ribbon. Have you noticed that sideways ribbons look a lot like a Jesus fish? I ask you: coincidence or conspiracy?
I agree with you on so many of these, but in these days of living a few minutes from my MIL, #18 really hits home. And I’m an apologetic offender of #37. Good list.